Chapter 10 of the One Life Manifesto: Jealousy. Grab my full book on Amazon.
Let’s talk about jealousy. As we are exposed to so much of the modern news, we can’t help but feel jealous or envious of others and their successes. We envy their attractive appearances and their popularity. We get jealous of what other people have. It is a form of insecurity and a lack of self-awareness when we feel uncomfortable about what we don’t have. We look at what others do and let it affect us negatively.
Jealousy is certainly a very unattractive trait. The opposite sex will look at that and say: this person isn’t comfortable with who they are. This person is untrustworthy and insecure. They are heavy thinkers and continually examine what others are doing. They are not focused on their own lives. They are not focused on improving their own lives. It certainly raises a red flag.
Sometimes jealousy is comes up when you feel there is cause for it. You know there is something happening in the relationship and a person has stopped spending time with you. Maybe they are cheating on you or you know that this is actually the case. But if that is the case, you should not be jealous. You should be up-front, communicative and honest. Say: hey! This is what I have witnessed and this must stop or this must end. But if you build up these emotions internally, it will manifest itself and it will ruin you. That is where proper communication is important or the ability to forget and move on and live your life. Being able to ignore those irrational thoughts. Jealousy is irrational.
We are human beings and being irrational is a natural occurrence. It’s important to overcome your jealousy by examining your thoughts and really taking a step back and saying: is this an appropriate thought? Is it necessary that I pull up these thoughts internally or should I be 100% open and honest and speak these thoughts aloud to whoever the jealousy is directed to?
My situation is that I like looking at successful people. I look at people who have success and I don’t really feel the jealousy. I know that others would perhaps feel like they wish they could be those successful people. They are angry at the thought that this person has what they do not. I can see that feeling build up in people.
For me, I may have started off like that. I like to be very competitive and sometimes I compare myself to others. Throughout university you may start feeling like you are competing with others as well. That’s a dangerous road to go down. It wasn’t until after school that I had gone into the work world and realized I needed to follow my own path. I am not competing with anyone but myself. I started to focus on just what I was doing and not look at somebody else’s success with jealousy. Instead I started looking at it with admiration, saying to myself that I could learn something from that person. They have experienced something that I have not and I should talk to that person and really figure out what I can do to get to their level.
Another area that comes up for jealousy, which is very common today, is dating and relationships. I had a more difficult time overcoming jealousy in this particular situation. I really live inside my head with my thoughts. If I see something that is out of the blue, I have a tendency to start losing trust. If the girlfriend goes out with a bunch of her friends and I don’t find out until after, I wonder why an invitation for me never came up. Maybe you feel excluded sometimes too. Then you wonder why it is that you were an afterthought, why it is that it wasn’t communicated to you. Then you wonder if the trust is there. Then you start wondering if something is happening behind the scenes. But the thing is, as a man, you can never say aloud that you think they are cheating. It’s important to realize that your thoughts are irrational and unjustified.
However, communication is important. Perhaps opening the dialogue at the get-go is important, to communicate your feelings. Find out why it is that the opposite sex is not including you. Ask casually, don’t make it a big deal. Learn why they are doing something that creates these emotions. Having that dialogue is important. Yet it can be uncomfortable because you are not looking to pinpoint or blame anyone. You are looking to build trust. You are looking to find out how to be as loving as you can and truly be in love. If you feel like there is an insecure issue happening, then it’s important to bring it up and not let it manifest into these negative emotions.
Sometimes the relationship is just not the right one. You must take a step back and say: hey, there should be 100% attention in the relationship, not attention on other playful pursuits. But it really depends on your level of trust towards that person. Whether they really truly love you and even if they say they do, you must believe it. And it’s absolutely a slippery slope when you form thoughts of jealousy.
My recommendation is to speak out your thoughts to the important parties. Let them know that they are involved in your feelings of jealousy. Find the truth. Then you must erase the bad thoughts from your mind. You must get out and enjoy the world. Do not let others dictate your emotions when you are feeling sad about something. It is your task to make the effort and get out of your head. Getting out of your head is critical.
If you are introverted, it might be a bit of a challenge to get out of your thoughts. Feelings of jealousy really manifest themselves in introverts. It is a tough feeling to control unless you are really confident in yourself and in who you are and what you deliver.
Love is one of those powerful emotions that can pull at your heartstrings and create a range of feelings. Even when you think you are secure, feelings of insecurity pop up. It’s human nature. You can only combat the feeling by really distracting yourself. By taking yourself out of the thoughts or by bringing up the thoughts. Bring up every thought. Don’t let it fester because that is damaging to your relationship if you just let it sit and stew inside your head. You just need to do that. Cleansing your mind is critical to get rid of the jealousy.
That’s how you can build trust and keep the dialogue open. Don’t think about competition. Think about improving yourself when it comes to thoughts of jealousy. It’s critical to work on yourself and focus on your life. Don’t get wrapped up in the lives of others and their accomplishments. They will continue living regardless of what you think. They will continue enjoying life. You may as well enjoy yours too. Don’t let jealousy slow you down. Don’t let it affect your vision. Don’t let it affect your ability to communicate, your ability to interact, your ability to have a relationship. Don’t let that become an insecurity. Move on from it by addressing it head-on. Jealousy is no feeling to have.