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Here is some dating advice for any gender, coming from a conventionally unattractive dude.

Video.

I really have no business giving out relationship advice when my relationships have been trainwrecks, but maybe my raw, failed perspective will shed some light on your struggles. Chances are we’ve struggled in similar ways.

My credentials:

I have gone on hundreds of dates over the years with dozens of women. I’m in my thirties. I’m not overly attractive, rich, or mentally stable. I’ve had both long-term and short-term success, serious and casual. This should give hope to all of you.

Let’s go over five one-word nouns to describe the crux of your struggles. Chances are something is flawed in one or several of these attributes for you.

Noun #1:

Emotions.

You are severely mentally unstable to the point where you are flaking constantly.

You think you’re unworthy.

You’re frustrated after ten years of dating struggles.

You’re anxious and depressed.

You’re feeling low-energy.

You’re overthinking everything and paralyzed by anything.

Scheduling plans is HARD; screw it, I’m staying in!

You just don’t want to get ready!

All of these thoughts and feelings, so emotional, running through your head. No wonder you can’t land a date. Even if you did manage to schedule something, your emotions would self-sabotage you for eternity, flaking one date after another.

You can’t get emotional with dating, at least not in the beginning. Get out of your head and approach your dates with a positive mindset.

Think of it this way:

I’m going out tonight. No matter what happens, I’m out to have fun. If the other guy or gal flakes, I’m still going to have fun tonight.

You’re placing less value on the dating outcome, and more value on living a fun life. A laid back approach will do you wonders.

For those looking to get married on the first date, it’s the same thing. Don’t put so much pressure on people to be serious right away. Do you really want to end up marrying a murderer because you never smelled the roses?

Relax. Have fun.

Noun #2:

Idealism.

The world is so full of itself in the 21st century. There, I said it.

You have this ideal of what a man or woman should be, and if they aren’t Brad Pitt or Amy Adams, you’re dissatisfied. You think you deserve the guy in a Bentley or the perfect housewife, but your expectations are so out of touch with reality that you missed the good one driving the Honda Civic.

In all likelihood, you are seeking a man or woman who represents 0.00001% of reality, and I’m being generous with the stat.

Before you even go on date #1, you know more about your date than their mom. You are judging and dissecting every little text character and emoji, every little audio message, every little phone/video call, waiting for the smallest red flag to call it off.

Here’s an idea:

Go date a homeless man or woman. Go date a drug addict. Go date a smoker or alcoholic. I’m half joking, half being honest here. You don’t know how good your potential date is until you see the world with clear vision.

I’ve ranted before about social media, dating apps, TV, and pop culture generally twisting our worldviews. Not all of us can be Justin Bieber and land Selena Gomez. But guess what? That lady next door could be your Selena.

Noun #3:

Invisibility.

More people are isolated and alone than ever before. I don’t see this getting any better, as today’s generations are skipping any kind of social lifestyle. It’s just easier to stay in tonight!

You’re not going to get any dates by watching Netflix all day. I went for a run this morning and saw over a dozen women who could be potential first dates. I was VISIBLE!

If you take up a hobby, like swimming or Dungeons and Dragons, you will meet people. Meeting people is all you need.

If you’re the more introverted, shy type like me, then use the apps. Be visible on there. I will warn the men that dating apps will require you to be in your best, most honest light. For you women out there, the apps are EXTREME visibility, get ready.

Noun #4:

Appearance.

Your appearance to the world is a mess. People take one look at you and run away. Date #1? You wish.

Now I’m not saying you’re a hairy monster and no one will date that. No, many women like beards and Gandalf. Some men too. I’m saying your appearance gives off the feeling that you don’t want to be here and you don’t know who you are. As I mentioned in Noun #3, you need to show your best and honest light to the world. Figure out your true identity and show it.

What am I getting at here..

So say you’re a nerd and you tell people you’re a super athlete football linebacker. Who you appear to be and what you think you are need to be aligned!

Just because you like Star Wars doesn’t mean you should be dishonest and hide that nerdy fact! Appear to be who you really say and think to be!

This goes for the real world, social media, the dating apps, all of the above. Just show who you really are without embarrassment. Someone else will align with you and your interests, even if you are a chronic weed smoker.

I suppose you could toss around “appearance” with “confidence”, but I don’t really think you need to be confident to get a date. If you’re socially anxious and low in self-esteem, own it. Make jokes about it. Don’t let it hold you back from getting that date.

Noun #5:

Hygiene.

If you are really really smelly all the time, like the scent of the Las Vegas strip, I just don’t know how your date is going to stay put for long.

Okay, in all honesty, hygiene isn’t going to hold you back from a first date. It will ruin your chances at a second though. Since the title of this content is about getting “dates” = plural, you need to keep those smells at bay.

Here are the basics:

Brush your teeth.

Keep things neat.

Control the body odour.

Wash clothing.

Buy new non-smelly clothing.

Use a deodorant and/or cologne.

Just do the bare minimum to have a chance here. Maybe your dating app photos give off a non-hygienic vibe, whatever that means. Just get the basics under control.

Conclusion.

That’s it! You are now a dating master. Just remember to live your best life without worry, and things will work out. I’ll be the first to tell you dating is not easy. But falling in love and getting your heart broken a thousand times is absolutely worth it. What’s the alternative? Dying alone without scars or experience. Borrring.

Get out there you.

Apple

I don’t get why people walk side-by-side on sidewalks.

Video.

The other day I saw this couple, a man and a woman, and they were quickly approaching me. I thought they would walk single file, but they just continued to hold hands and not even budge an inch! I literally had to walk into a bush to avoid getting knocked over. Is there no sidewalk etiquette? You need to give oncoming pedestrians a share of the sidewalk!

So this really angered me, and I never get angry. I decided to follow these sidewalk fiends a few blocks to see if it was a one-off situation, until the craziest thing happened.

I saw an old man with a cane up ahead. I thought surely room would be made for a senior citizen. Well, the two sidewalk aholes continued along their merry way, shimmying the old man onto the road!

You’ll never guess what happened next.

A grey Chevy Suburban, big honking truck, was barrelling along just a few moments before the old-timer was ushered off the sidewalk. There was no time for the Chevy driver to steer out of the way, so he sped up and NAILED the old man pow! Old man goes flying in the air like Tony Hawk doing a 900 and drops face first into the concrete.

Chunks of the old man’s brain go flying directly into the faces of the sidewalk bandits. Cane drops like an arrow, impaling one of the bandits in the head – instant fatality.

So I walked away feeling good that it wasn’t just me they were being rude to.

I cover the infamous “Gypsy kid dancing at club can’t be bothered. 1997.” video.

We almost look like twins.

Song in video:
The Swing Man by Patrick Lindsey